Seems like everyone I know has either had a baby, is expecting a baby, or wants to start having babies ASAP. Me, I don’t get it. They’re nice and all, but what’s with all that wetness leaking out of them? If I got something home and it did that, I’d return it pronto.

Be that as it may be, here’s a little giftlet for those baby showers you’re invited to, but have no intention of ever having. Why spend hundreds of dollars on clothes that’ll be outsized in weeks when you can hand over this little Baby Foot Print box designed by Marlies con Soden? And there’s no rule saying it has to be foot depressions that are kept forever — think of the fun!

$35.00 at MoMA Store

I only have one little cat, and she’s not a lot of bother — other than the clawing of the Eames lounger and the clawing of teh Anglea Adams rug and the… general clawing of everything. Still, you gotta love anyone with that little furry face, no matter how much of a bitch she can be.

I’ve tried a bunch of different cat litters, and I have some simple criteria. It needs to clump, it needs to be easily flushable, and it should hurt the environment. Happily, S’wheat Scoop fulfills all the above and the cat seems to like it as well. It’s made of wheat, as if the title didn’t already tell you, and it doesn’t have any cloying scent to overpower the cat pee because it doesn’t need it — it’s got natural odor control and it’s 100% biodegradable.

From $8.99 at PetSmart

Baby stuff is overrun with lambies, duckies and bunnies. Which is pretty lame when you think about how often those babies are actually ever near lambies, duckies or bunnies. You know what they see a lot? The bubbles of goo emitting from their darling little mouths.

So why not let them lounge on something more familiar than Disneyesque barnyard friends? The Modern Basics Bubble baby lap throw is made of downy soft fleece and come in blue, green, lavender and pink. And don’t you dare be tied in to the whole ‘blue is for boys’ motif — boys like pink, too!

$40.00 at Design Public.

My friend Maggie recently had a little baby boy and she’s enjoying the new visitor as you’d expect. Her husband Bryan is equally overjoyed and I think actually looks forward to all the new duties (and new doodies) in store.

Usually when a baby enters the house, mom gets all the cool stuff. But what’s there for a dad to wear that’s baby-centric? The Dad Gear Diaper Vest comes in orange or charcoal nylon and includes pockets galore to hold all the bottles, wipes and even diapers when they’re out and about. It even has a changing pad hidden inside for those times when baby insists that now’s the time to let loose with a real mess, no matter where you happen to be.

$80.00 at UncommonGoods.

Some people love their cats. I mean, they really, reallt love them. Their cats are sleeping in their faces and climbing on their shoulders and they are getting face-to-face and in your face, so cat cleanliness is important.

Sure, your kitty is licking him or herself all over, but you’re feeding them raw meat and how often are you flossing them? Pit’r Pat is TicTacs for your cat. I’ve tested them out on my own kitty, Paris, and she not only loves the little fish-shaped snacks, they actually do improve her breath! And I’ll just leave it at that.

$2.99 at CatToys.com

Cats love climbing onto and into things, so sometimes the challenge you face as a cat owner is keeping them from climbing onto and into your expensive home furnishings. One solution is to buy a hideous carpet-covered monstrosity in the hops that the huge, ugly thing will distract them from your DWR bookcase.

Another (better) solution is the Cat Wall Barrel. It’ll go anywhere you have some wall space, it’s far more interesting to look at than a ratty old cat tree, and it’ll be highly amusing to walk by it and have your cat suddenly reach out from its furry interior to catch you unawares. At least, I’m sure the cat will think it’s amusing.

$70.00 at Pixel Girl Shop

Everyone knows that George W. is not the brightest bulb in the package. Yes, he got elected President — twice! — but since when did being a politician equate with being a brainiac? Besides, I’m a bedwetting Liberal gay activist non-church-going pacifist, so I have a slight bias about the issue.

And maybe you do, too! And maybe you have a little kiddle you stroll about your avenue to show it off to your good neighbors, so why not advertise the obvious with this snazzy black T-shirt for babies from T-shirt Hell? You’ll boost your child’s ego, you’ll parade your own good sense and maybe you’ll piss off someone who’s dumb enough to want to debate you about the statement.

$18.00 at T-Shirt Hell.

As far as I can tell, there’s really only one advantage to owning a small dog — you can dress them up in stupid costumes and they still look cute, rather than stupid.

And there’s nothing stupider… er, cuter than wrapping up your little (gay) buddy in a hot pink (or blue or red) feather boa. These have Velcro closures to put them on and take them off easily, and they’re the perfect accompaniment to your pooch’s tiara and tiny fuck-me pumps.

$17.00 at G.W. Little.

Summer’s almost here, which means days off to go traveling, which means time away from your home… and your pets. You may already have corralled someone into dropping by your digs to walk your doggies, or maybe they’re staying over at someone else’s pad while you pad around Europe. Either way, here’s a simple and effective way to communicate everything important your petsitting friend or neighbor needs to know about your furry loved one.

Get a pad of Pet Sitting Instructions and fill in the blanks, then have them stick it on their fridge so they always know what to do, how to contact you, who your vet is and where they are, your pet’s likes and dislikes, favorite toys, best time to go for walkies, when they do get treats and when they don’t (because no one wants to get back a pet that’s happier than before you left) and everything else you might otherwise forget as you’re busy planning and packing.

$3.95 at cb2.com

So you have a new baby and all your friends want to hold it and play with it like it’s some new toy or something, but you’re concerned (and probably rightly so!) that maybe your friends aren’t as, shall we say, practiced with the rules of baby play?

This 100% cotton onesie snap-suit provides instructions right on the baby, so no one will ever get confused about exactly how high to toss the toddler. (Hint: Ceiling means bad!)

$25.00 at Zipper Gifts.

Dog lovers are a peculiar breed, pun intended. Sometimes I think they’d choose their pet over anyone else in their life, including husbands or wives or moms or even the kids. I suppose many of them think of their dogs as their children, and that’s why we have dog clothes. I mean, when was the last time you saw a cat looking embarrassed?

For those of you who need to advertise a warning to anyone entering your life that your canine companion will always come first, here’s a pewter paperweight you can leave conspicuously on your desk, or to throw at your significant other when they deign to require that you attend your own wedding instead of Fido’s dog training graduation.

$14.00 at UncommonGoods

Babies deserve to be cool, and you need to teach them early on that almost nothing in the world — and I mean this — is as important as shoes. A good shoe makes all the difference. Say what you will about bad hair days, but going out with ugly shoes should be against the law.

With that in mind, and thinking about the new little babies in the world, here we have Adidas Tuscany GP Leather Cribs. Hello? Inspired by the classic Manza racing shoes with tire-inspired traction and smooth black leather all around. Plus: Italian!

$25.00 at adidas.com.

Cats are insane. At least, I’m convinced that mine is. Almost three years old, now, Paris is a feisty little (and I do mean little) calico beast who makes nary a sound but attacks without justice. And the things she loves to attack most are the things she cannot see.

As the saying goes, curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. Thing in a Bag is exactly that, some unknown rustling moving thing is inside this faux-paper bag, made out of a material that can take what your cat dishes out. Three AA batteries turn a motor inside on and off at irregular intervals, which will drive your insane cat more insane than ever.

$7.16 at TheKittyStore.com.

I have often thought that babies should come with warning labels. “Don’t Touch Head. Made of Jell-o.” “Prone to Sudden Fits.” “May Scream if Touched.” And so on. I know that lots of people — insane people — find human babies to be cute little bundles of absolute joy, but I personally find them to be frightening piles of struggling limbs, easily broken.

Luckily for the world, I don’t plan on having any babies, but if I did, the first piece of clothing I’d get would be this infant snapsuit (ages 0 to 12 months) with the helpful phrase “I Might Barf” emblazoned on the chest. “Might,” I take it, is just wishful thinking.

$22.00 at UncommonGoods.

Being prepared for any emergency should include the four-legged members of your family, too. You probably have a medicine cabinet overflowing with ointments, bandages, antibiotics and lotions to stave every injury you receive, but what about your doggy?

SitStay features a handy Medi+Pet kit containing 40 vet-recommended items to help you help your best friends through some of the hurt before you get him or her to the veterinarian for the big fix.

$29.90 at SitStay.com.

If you’re a cat owner, you kow your little darling loves one thing above all else. No, not sleeping all day in a sunbeam. And not snacking on your leftover bacon, either.

No, what kitties love is shredding your furniture. And usually, the only distrations available are huge, ugly carpet-covered “trees” that dominate any room you put them in. Thankfully, designer Susan Kralovec knows your pain, and she also knows that just because something is useful, it doesn’t have to be ugly. Her cat tree is a shell of 16 gauge steel in powder-coated pink (or apricot) with some shredable cardboard sandwiched inside.

$70.00 at unicaHOME