Shoes! Can you ever have enough? The best thing about shoes is that your feet don’t get fat, so once you have a pair (or several) you can always wear them, even when your jeans no longer fit.

This is the Puma Bony Barrelroll. As you can see, there are several remarkable visual things about it, including a terraformed orange sole and a lovely herringbone material wrapping the foot on top. Then there’s the reason for its name — the rubber banding that crosses under the sole, rolling around the whole thing. Keen!

$70.00 at PUMA Store

If you’re cycling to work every day — or even if you only occasionally find yourself on a bike amidst the non-stop impatient hustle of traffic, I know you’ve fantasized about a bike that can handle what all those people who think they own the road (including the bike lanes). If so, have I got a T-shirt for you!

The Cycle of Violence T comes in basic black or bright blue. It’s printed on American Apparel stock so it’ll hug that righteous sexy biker’s body you worked so hard on, and when you’re not riding it’ll send a message to anyone who even thinks of opening their car door without looking first.

$25.00 at ELSEWARES

Offhand, I can think of two places immediately where one might want to be seen arriving in a zip-up track jacket emblazoned with a bullet-filled bandolier across the front and back. The first is your next Rainbow 6 party so you can look the part as you dash about virtual Vegas killing Mexican terrorists.

The second is if you have an unfulfilled fantasy of being arrested at the airport while trying to board your flight to London. Methinks this would certainly do the trick.

$78.00 at gama-go

I haven’t featured a really outstanding pair of shoes on the list for a while. What kind of a gay man do I think I am, anyway? So I thought I’d hit the ball out of the park with these, which you will buy without a second thought if you want to dress to impress at your holiday party.

Paul Smith knows a thing or two about accessorizing, and with these black leather high tops, you not only get a pair of comfortable, wearable shoes, you get some lovely flowers that don’t have to die in your lapel. And don’t go whining on about the cost. You know you’d pay that much for a pair of dress shoes you’ll wear once in a blue moon. These? You’ll wear them every bloody day!

$245.00 at BlueBee

Not everyone is cut out to be inked. Trying to figure out what you want to wear around printed on your skin until you die is a challenge in itself, let alone wondering what it’s going to look like when all your sleek, young flesh starts to droop.

It’s Tokyo Hiro Shoes to the rescue. Their line of slip-ons and high-tops print tattoo-inspired artwork onto vintage leather uppers (a different kind of skin) so you can put these on and take them off without worrying what your mom will think. Plus, if you buy a few different ones, you don’t have to worry about always going out with the same old paint on your body.

$55 - $65 at Draven Shoes

My feet are always cold. Don’t know why that is, exactly, maybe poor circulation, maybe because I hate my feet (I think feet, generally, are incredibly ugly), maybe “just because.” Regardless of the reason, I often wear socks around the abode to keep my feet warm, but now I’ve found something a lot better than socks for the task.

I’ve owned slippers in the past, but I usually wear them for a little while and then stop. But here we have a pair of huge, fluffy, blue-white feet with blue-painted claws that make me feel powerful and cartoonlike. Gama-Go’s Yeti Slippers come in three sizes and there’s a pair for Men and Women. Why wander your cave looking like a troll when you can be the abominable snowman? And don’t forget, “Bumbles bounce!”

$28.00 at gama-go.

I love skull things. Anything with a skull on it, I pretty much will want. I have a sweater with skulls on it, and a skull belt buckle, and a skull thumb ring. Skulls are cool because, well, they just are! And you know it!

This skull-emblazoned hoodie uses a process called Discharge that bleaches the image into the soft black fleece, so there’s nothing that’ll peel or come unstitched or otherwise ruin the look of your huge, scary skull as you run your morning jog, or what-you-will. It’s made of 100% fleece cotton and made here in the US of A. If I were you, I’d order one size larger so if it shrinks during laundering (and you know it will) you won’t be crying over you new favorite jacket later.

$70.00 at ELSEWARES.

One thing you can say about Paul Smith — the man pays attention to details. Take, for example, this driving sneaker from his fall collection.

Driving shoes are nothing new, and even Prada is getting into the act, partnering with Carshoe to create a whole line of black leather beauties. But Mr. Smith, as usual, takes a different road and I want to go along for the ride.

Done up in two-tone chocolate, the lining matches the cartoon stick-figure green accents on the sole, with a digitally-printed multi-color stripe winding its way along the bottom edge. Then he adds lilac and forest green pull-tabs and 10-eyelets up the shoe to make sure you’re snugly fitted in, just in case your shoes are better than your driving.

£150.00 at Paul Smith.

I tend to take the second part of this T-shirt’s phrase to heart a little bit more deeply than the first part, but on the whole I would have to agree with the sentiment, even if it seems unrealistic in the current political climate.

But maybe that’s exactly why you need to be wearing this; it’s like a statement that no one could argue with, except it happens a lot less often than it should and, really, I think the U.S. government would prefer it the other way around.

“Machines should work, people should think.”

$32.00 at Krudmart.com.

Last but not least on today’s Pumalicious line-up, the suede edition of Puma’s now legendary Satori.

The original Satori in white or black leather is still available in limited quantities (particularly if you have a small foot), but they recently expanded the line to include two new members of the Samarai armor-inspired footwear. Shown here is the Demitasse Brown version with Nirvana Lilac interior. The shoe is constructed of layers that bend and mesh and give to the extent that wearing them is like wearing your favorite pair of comfy slippers, only more expensive and really, really cool.

$100.00 at PUMA Store

Our Puma celebration continues with these red, gray and white loverlies designed by Fake London Genius. Rather than be content with just another pair of leather and suede runners, FLG augment a fuzzy woolen top with distressed red leather, offset with an over-the-laces buckle.

Fake London Genius, for those of you out of that particular loop, delight in offering clothing that looks as if your demented grandmother smoked something funny and decided to applique huge floppy flowers on top of your blue-striped button-down oxford. Here, they’ve taken a somewhat ordinary Puma design and rather than overdo it with wild colors and funny sole treatments, it’s the materials that do the talking.

$134.00 at YOOX

It’s Puma day here at LaConCon, because it’s always Puma day on my own two feet, so let’s all join hands and celebrate the athletic shoes that aren’t really for athletes at all. Starting with the most decadent, wild and crazy pair of Pumas you’re likely to see this year.

What does $455 buy you in an athletic shoe? Adidas may offer an embedded computer to form-fit to yur every stride, but our insane friends at the P had another idea: Why not sheath a shoe in gold-plated Kevlar? That way you’re not only wearing metallic gold shoes, you could even set your feet on fire and never feel a thing! At least until the flames start licking your pantleg.

These beauties come in whole sizes only. They’re modeled after the shoes that Formula One/World Rally Car drivers wear, hence the fire-fighting-ness, but all you’ll care about is the looks of wonder and envy from your fellow shoe fetishists.

$455.00 at Vivre.

Sure, this summer has been a sweltering, sweaty mess for almost everybody, but we’re approaching September and it’s time to think about refreshing your outerwear choices once again.

John Varvatos has this quilted olive jacket with hood that slips easily over your casual tops. It’s 50% Viscose, 50% Acetate so it’s made of entirely fake stuff, except for the leather drawstring that you’ll probably never use anyway. Available in all size from S to XL.

$235.00 at bluefly.

For those of you who want and/or need an athletic shoe that will draw attention to your feet (if not necessarily your sense of fashion) and are strictly of a limited edition, here’s your perfect shoe.

Adidas’ Men’s Rising Star falls under their Oddity Collection for obvious reasons. Based on a running shoe originally launched in 1984, only 1,984 shoes will be released worldwide to those who can’t live without a black, silver, turquoise, lime green, red, white and fushia sneaker. Not that I can think of any, offhand, but one never knows.

$150.00 at adidas.com.

Puma moves decidely upscale with their new 96 Hours line of men’s and women’s clothing, footwear and accessories. Taking a cue from Prada Sport, Puma will be refreshing the line each season based on a different athletic event, basing their products around tech fabrics, wearability and comfort.

This season’s sport of choice is motor racing, and pictured here is the men’s Filtro and the women’s Cattura. You’d definitely find my feet in the driving-inspired Filtro. I love the unusual palette and low lacing, and there’s nothing like a shock of color on the sole to inspire stares and envy among other shoe fashionistas.

I’m a lot less sure about Cattura, I must admit. I love the idea of a heeled shoe with athletic overtones, and there’s something Barbarella about the Kevlar-like metal mesh. But I think I need to see this on a slightly turned calf to really see if it gets my groove on.

Filtro: $170.00

Cattura: $220.00

Both available at Puma 96 Hours.

Paris Hilton is a dumb whore. She looks weird because of all the touch-ups to her face and body and is unnaturally smooth and completely banal and without anything remotely resembling intelligence in her eyes. It’s like she’s dead. Or… undead.

This “Vampire in Paris” T-shirt comes in every size one could ever want, whether you’re outfitting yourself or your small, scared-looking dog. Ms. Hilton has that come-hither look that makes us all want to gag, only this time her mouth is filled with fangs and covered with blood. Who knows what she’s carrying in that little purse, though we will assume it has nothing to do with safe sex.

Oh, if pink is not your color, it comes in any of over two dozen other hues.

$20.00 at zeroboutique.com.

It may feel hotter than hell outside where you are, but you don’t need me to tell you that Autumn is creeping up on us by the day. You’re going to need to do some wardrobe refreshing whether you’re headed back to school (and my how those words still cause a shudder to go through me) or back to the office.

This casual blazer from Robert Graham is dressy enough to impress the elders, but soft and comfy enough for your body. It’s in olive, which goes with everything from black slacks to denim, and the 3-button front is “all the rage.”

$117.90 at Nordstrom.com .

As a certified shoe whore, I’m sure that my tastes tend to run a little more adventurous than the average Joe. I’ve got Pumas with yellow rubber toe cups, I’ve got bright red suede bicycle shoes, I’ve got silver leather Jil Sander high tops… but I don’t have these.

Gordon Rush has taken blue satin with an Asian design and paired that with black leather and a rubber sole and created his Emporer Sneaker. This isn’t something I’d recommend wearing to the black top, it’s more apt to be seen accompanying your dressiest designer jeans and a hot blazer from, like, Ted Baker or Yohji Yamamoto.

$159.00 at Bluefly.

Let’s be honest; crosses are so passé. Non-believers wear them to accessorize their bling quotient, Versace puts them on underwear, and when you think about it, you’re celebrating a man’s death, not his life or rebirth, as I have heard that some believe.

Here’s a T-Shirt that not only portrays Christ alive and well, but also with a healthy, dark tan! “Brown Jesus” from Super 7 crosses Pac Man ghosts with a certain savior and comes up with a stylish alternative to Mel Gibson’s weird nails, or whatever.

$22.00 at Super 7 Store.

Diane Arbus is a hero to many of today’s on-the-spot, surprise!, digital photographers whether they know it or not. What with subway systems trying to curtail shutterbugs from taking photos — not to mention department stores, clothiers, public museums and even parks — it’s almost as if no one wants to ever have their picture taken, even though we’re all being spied upon by traffic cameras and government observers all the time.

For anyone who’s tired of being hassled by The Man, this is the shirt for you. Direct from the Los Angeles County Museum of Art online store, it’s the Diane Arbus Revelations Classic Tee in basic black with the following sentiment in bold white Courier type: One of the risks of appearing in public is the likelihood of being photographed.

$20.00 in L & XL at LACMA Online Store. (Also available in a “Girl’s Classic Tee” in S, M, L & XL in asphalt grey.)

When I was in high school, Nike was making waffle-soled running shoes, and everyone wore Chucks, which is what us oldsters call Converse High Tops with Chuck Taylor’s signature on them. At first they were in “natural” or black, then during the 80’s when Vans started making slip-ons with checkerboard and zebra and every color under the sun, Converse struck back with their own weird and wild color combos and patterns.

Now that Nike owns Converse, they’ve taken the NikeID concept over to Chuck’s high- and lo-tops so you can design your own pair of Chucks and add an individual signature to them. You tell them what color you want for the left side, right side, back stripe, tongue, laces, rubber and racing stripes, they deliver them to you in about two weeks.

$60.00 at Converse One.

As the whole world starts going Star Wars crazy, lining up at the wrong theatre and wringing hands about the “darker” version of the film coming next month, why not go back in time and remember what you liked about the original flicks — namely, a sense of fun.

Super7’s X-Wing Tee shows Luke’s fighter being shot at by a persuing TIE. The black silouette on vibrant red (though also available vice versa) is awesome and cool and not at all dorky.

$22.00 at Super 7 Store.

They used to call them sneakers, because, I guess, the point was to sneak around in them. But when they look this nice, I think you’re more apt to dance and point at your feet.

Puma’s Swingers are “vintage” shoes in the classic sneaker form. The soles are simpler than simple with a crosshatch design, and the uppers are full grain leather with suede accents. Available in four color combos, this pair is white/dark green.

$70.00 at PUMA Store.

You run around all day like a plumber with a world to save. You’re chasing coins and trying to get the princess to notice you when, all of the sudden, you jump short and miss the platform, falling to your doom.

Worry not, Luigi! With ThinkGeek’s 1up T-shirt, you’re granted extra lives to do your duty again and again. Show off your gamer cred to you less-worthy friends — or just wear it because pixelated mushrooms with eyes are so damned cute.

$14.99 - $16.99 at ThinkGeek

Did you know that white is the new black? If not, I’m telling you now — even though black will always be the old black. At any rate, white is everywhere right now, from pants to jackets to shoes, even if it’s not quite Spring yet.

To go with all that white, you’re going to need a belt that’ll kill. Literally. So here we have Oakley’s answer to the boy belt with attitude — Leather Skull Belt. It’s also available inversely (meaning: black leather, white skull buckle, silver eyelets) for those who prefer a more classic approach to their biker-inspired accessories.

$65.00 at oakley.com.

Do people still make mix tapes to proclaim their love anymore? Have we gone so digital that we now exchange shiny metal discs or (shudder) uploaded MP3 tracks in hidden directories instead of the painstaking and highly evolved art of the mix tape? And what about when love dies and you can no longer rip the miles and miles of acetate from the guts of that little cassette? I hardly think breaking a CD in two will bring the same satisfaction.

Ryan McGinness brings us his ode to the mix tape with the “I Love You” T-shirt. In retro black and white, emblazoned on a heather gray 100% cotton shirt, what we have here is a simple message that anyone who loves music and loves someone else who also loves music can readily identify with. “I am the son and heir. Of nothinggggggg in particular.”

$29.00 at KrudMart.

Everyone needs to refresh their underwear drawer now and again. It’s not something you generally think of until you put on another pit-stained T-shirt and think to yourself, “I really need to get some new T-shirts with less pit stains on them.”

Often, it’s a temptation to scrimp on underwear, thinking “no one will ever see this anyway.” Well, no, except the person you expect to have sex with you at some point, remember them? So do yourself a favor and grab some GAP brand stretch T’s. They fit better than un-stretch T’s, wrinkle less, last longer and make your manly frame look more, y’know, manly. I recommend (and wear) them personally.

$16.50 each or 3 for $39.00 at gap.com.

As a cat owner, I am eminently aware of the sudden and unexpected changes in attitude that our feline friends can have. One moment, she is there purring contentedly in your arms — the next, her claws are attached to your calf and you’re on the phone with 911.

The typographers of Lucifer also know all about cats, and even dedicated a font to them, and now Veer has taken a piece of the font and created Angry Cat T-shirts for boys and girls. Stick a pussy on your chest, won’t you?

$22.00 at Veer.

Those in the know are already aware that G-Star Raw is the label of choice for guys when you’re selecting outrageously priced fashion denim jeans to upholster your kiester. They fit right, they feel great and the understated Euro design compliments everything from your favorite ratty T-shirt to your D&G fitted jacket.

If you hurry your tight little butt along, you can take advantage of a sale at Nordstrom’s and pick up a pair of low-rise dark denim boot-cut G-Star jeans for 30% off. Various sizes available.

Regularly $120.00, now $79.90 at Nordstrom.com.

You know I love me some orange. Lord knows my significant other knows it. Show me a rack of clothing and I will beeline my way to the orangest of the orange, and if it’s hilarious and cool, so much the better.

No one will give you any shit when you’re wearing your very own “I’ve Got A Black Belt In Keepin’ It Real” T-shirt. Not only is it karatetastic, it’s so pumpkin it’s almost Velveeta!

$20.00 at Krudmart.com.